Shrek no Boken: Episode 1 Caillou get Shrekt
by Coldsteel Da Hedgeheg
Summary: My new Shrek series. Inspired by Donuttakemeseriously's series: Caillou the Devil's Pawn. In this first episode I feature Caillou.


Somewhere in a small, random house in Tokyo, Japan, two japanese kids -a boy and girl around 4 years of age- were playing Super Smash Bros for Wii U in their living room. In the midst of their game, their grandma walks in and sits on a rocking chair.

The kids pause their game and approach their grandmother.

"Oba-san, prease terr us story of the baka gaijin Caillou," requested the Japanese boy.

"Hai! Prease! We want to hear another one where he gets epicry pwned!" exclaimed the Japanese girl holding a Caillou voodoo doll.

The grandma laughed and paused for a moment as she slowly rocked back and forth in her chair. "Heh, heh... you kids rike hearing about that baka yarou, don't you?" Oba-san said in a calm voice. "Hmmm... hee, hee... Very well, this one is called 'Caillou gets Shrekt'."

"Wah? Shrek-kun is in this story!?" both her grandchildren shouted at once in amazement and disbelief.

Shrek had recently moved into Japan months ago from his previous residence in the USA. He learned how to speak fluent Japanese and adapted fairly quickly to his new country's culture and traditions, he did maintain his Scottish accent, however. Indeed, Shrek was all the rage in Japan among people of all ages, gender, and walks of life.

Shrek's popularity in the land of the rising sun was so he has appeared in 26 animes including crossovers, 25 mangas, 22 doramas, 15 movies, 11 animated films, 9 Talk shows, 7 game shows, 6 music videos and various other media. He was even available as DLC for Super Smash Bros Wii U/3DS, but only in Japan since nintendo didn't want butthurt metroid and donkey kong fans -which are mainly concentrated in the USA- complaining about how " ZOMG ShrOk turk RIDLEY AND KING KROOLS SPOT EN TEH ROZTER!1"

Thanks to the media in which Shrek appeared thousands of stores across Japan sold Shrek-themed t-shirts, underwear, bed sheets, socks, electronics, notebooks, other school supplies, furniture, dakimakura (anime love pillow), inflatable Shrek sex dolls and various other products. Engineers were hard at work, developing a futuristic, hybrid car model based on Shrek, while others tried hard to program Shrek sexbots. Heck, at the penis festival they have every year, street vendors sold 12-inch, green, dick-shaped lolipops, ice cream, corndogs and any other snack food that could take on a phallic shape, in honor of shrek.

"A-ya! Yes he is! Now carm down and payu attentionu the story!" Oba-san snapped at the kids.

The kids quieted down and gave their undivided attention to their grandma as she began the stoty

* * *

Epic, super, hyper, energetic, arcade music plays in the background.

"Serect your Charater!" a Japanese man's voice said in a hyper fashion.

The cursor goes through a variety of characters before reaching Shrek, the player selects him.

"SHREK!" shouted the voice.

Shrek was wearing his normal clothing, but had black, spiky hair, a white headband with a Japanese flag on it, and white wraps around his hands -much like Joe Higashi from king of fighters and fatal fury.

Once selected, Shrek rapidly throws a jab, a right uppercut, and left heel kick; after his combo he grins widely, closes his eyes, and throws a peace sign with his left hand, at once.

A map appears on screen with Shrek placed in Japan.

"Serect a stage!"

The cursor now scrolls through various countries from around the world. The player selects the one right above the USA.

"CANDA!" the voice yelled.

An airplane sprite appears taking Shrek to Canada.

* * *

It was a partly cloudy Saturday evening in Montreal, Canada. Caillou had been playing with his toy truck since he awoke. The clock now read '8:00pm'.

"Caillou, it's time for dinner!" Mommy called out .

Today the Caillou household was having dinner a little later than usual, as a result Caillou went downstairs on the first call, on account of how hungry he was.

"Yay! I'm starving! What are we going to have today, Mommy?" Caillou asked rubbing his belly.

"Omelets du formage"

Caillou jumped up and down in excitement as he heard his mother's response. He then took a seat at the table, Daddy and Rosie were also there. Mommy served each member of the family their plate.

Using a fork and knife, Caillou cut his meal and brought the first forkful towards his mouth. The highly anticipated dish finally entered Caillou, making contact with his palate and taste buds. The bald-headed freak slowly chewed his food , savoring all the ingredients that made up the omelette, until he came across something he didn't like to eat. The chewing came to a halt, and Caillou's eyes widened and pupils constricted out of disgust, he spat out his food.

Mommy stared worriedly at Caillou, she knew how picky of a eater her son was. She figured that, if she put a little bit of the vegetable he dreaded in a food he liked, he would unexpectedly acquire a taste for it over time. Unfortunately, she was sadly mistaken, nothing gets passed that kid's taste receptors, especially foods he strongly disliked.

"Yuck! I HATE onions!" yelled Caillou as he spat out his food.

"Caillou! Eat your food. Stop being so picky. There will be absolutely no dessert if you don't finish your meal," Daddy states furiously at his son's unacceptable display.

"No fair! I hate onions! Onions taste like shit!" Caillou said as he flipped his plate over, the food splattered on the table making a huge mess. Caillou continued his tantrum banging his fist against the table. His parents had enough of his shenanigans and decides to take disciplinary action. Before either one of them could get up to slap Caillou, the sound of onions being chopped was heard loudly and clearly throughout the house, followed by a strong aroma of the same vegetable.

The whole family froze in confusion by the onion-related events that unfolded, silence filled the room. Suddenly ,they hear a thud on the roof. A few moments later, a whole in the ceiling crumbles down. At the same time a tall, green being with muscular arms and legs, and a potbelly stands on the table in front of Caillou. The being stares down angrily at Caillou and manages to say between his teeth "What did you say?!"

Caillou makes a pissed off asian face and responds with "Nanda yo omae-wa?"

"Boku wa Shrek," the green hero replied.

"Nanda?!" Caillou remarked with a displeased look on his face.

The two glared at each other, the fire of anger that burned in their eyes jumped out of their pupils and clashed, creating the first passionate spark of their new found rivalry.

Shrek broke the silence, as he took out his nunchaku, he churlishly shouted "Omae o korosu!"

"Kutabare!" Caillou yelled disrespectfully at the top of his lungs while he drew his Katana from it's scabbard.

Caillou leaped in the air above Shrek and slashed his blade downward at him. The ogre jumped to the left and Caillou cut the table in half. The balled head turned around to where Shrek stood and charged at him, holding his katana in front of him with both hands, the tip pointing at Shrek.

As soon as he got close enough to the ogre's abdomen, he jabbed at him with the sword and then sliced upwards, he missed Shrek by an inch, but not without cutting his shirt off. Shrek's shirt fell off, revealing his shrexy stomach. Caillous's nose bled at the sight of the shrexiness he witnessed, and fell flat on his face onto the ground.

Shrek took advantage of Caillou's vulnerable position and picked him up by the shirt, he threw him against the wall, he tossed him with such force that the wall broke and Caillou landed outside on the front lawn.

Caillou took a few seconds to regain focus, he quickly stood back up into a defensive stance as he waited for Shrek to come out.

"It's all ogre now!" Shrek yelled as he rushed out threw the hole he made. He spun his nunchaku around and smacked Caillou's sword hand, this sent the Canadian kid's weapon to be thrown 20 feet away from him, it fell into an open manhole that led to a sewer.

"Grrrrr... Aaaaargh!" Caillou yelled annoyed, he was now unarmed. Not wanting to surrender, he drew in closer to Shrek, jumped five feet into the air, and threw a hail of rapid, uncountable kicks at Shrok's chest. The green ogre was taken by surprise, he didn't focus on his breathing, since he didn't expect the attack, as a result he got the wind knocked out of him. Shrek fell to the floor, he released his grasp on the nunchaku, before his weapon could hit the ground, Caillou kicked it away 30 feet to the right, he then back-flipped 10 feet away from his opponent, he waited for him to get up.

"You bastard!" Shrek shouted, he struggled to stand back up as he massaged his chest to ease the pain. As soon as he regained strength, he charged at Caillou while winding up his arm and balling up his fist to prepare a punch, once he was within range, he jumped with all his might as he threw an uppercut below the bald retard's chin. The punch was so strong it knocked Caillou up 50 feet in the air, before he could let him fall, Shrek flew into the air above Caillou and kicked him straight in the face with his foot's heel. Caillou spiraled downwards at an incredibly fast pace, a crater was formed once he hit the ground.

"Ugh..." the bald Canadian moaned in pain as he stood up, he rubbed his jaw, he felt intense pain in the area in which he received the mighty ogre kick.

"Damn, why wont this fool die?! Is he some kind of demon?" Shrek asked himself, he was shocked that Caillou was still standing.

"Eh, heh, heh... HEH, HEH HAH!" Caillou laughed manically as he advanced foward and out of the crater, his feet dragging as he made a forceful effort to walk correctly.

"Play time is over! Hakutō washi akuma henshin!" Caillou shouted adrenalized, he closed his eyes as he preformed various hand signs swiftly. Dark brown, feathered wings grew out of his back, his clothes ripped off as dark brown feathers grew out of his body and he became more muscular. After his transformation was complete, his whole body was covered in feathers; except his head, forearms, calves, feet, abs, and pecs. He opened his eyes, his new yellow irises glistened under the moonlight.

Meanwhile, behind some bushes were Kakashi from Naruto, and Ash and Brock from Pokemon.

"Ah! Impossible!" Kakashi yelled astonished, his eyes widened as he could not believe what he saw. "How could this kid have access to the bald eagle demon? I did not expect to see someone with such a skill in Canada, of all places."

"Oh, no! Does this mean Shrek-kun is doomed?" Ash asked, he was concerned over Shrek's safety.

"No. He might have some trouble now that Caillou is in his demon form, but he can still defet him," Kakashi replied.

"Grrr... Looks like exterminating Caillou is going to be a lot tougher than we thought..." grumbled Brock. "I'm going to go help him!" on that remark Brock ran out the bushes, but Kakashi grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back.

"No. Don't underestimate Shrek. He can handle this on his own," stated Kakashi with a calm tone. Brock hesitated to follow his orders, he looked at the whole situation with frustration - he didn't like feeling useless, especially now that Shrek was in trouble. Brock gave Kakashi stern look, and uneagerly shook his head in agreement. The three now focused on what was to happen next in this battle.

To be continued...


End file.
